I should have known things were changing, but I didn’t recognize the signs. Either the transition was too smooth or I was blind. Things have been different for the past two days. Connecting with the green world, Beltaine drawing closer, ritual cleansing and re energizing and the works. Spent two lazy summer afternoons feeling the sun burn my skin and appreciating spring and summer changes for probably the first time in my life. And then there was the dead snake I found on my path - dried and shriveled. And so I sought him out.
It had been a long time, not that the time mattered but my inability to see things through definitely did. I was a little ashamed at my lack of commitment and he was perhaps a bit disappointed. He had been waiting for me to seek him out so that he could let me know and in that instant, I did. I understood. He was leaving, not fading. The powers weren’t getting dimmer and the spirit was just as strong. But the link between us was fading and it will vanish when he chooses. It almost has. He waited just long enough to bring me to Pan. The name was picked at random and was accepted and recognized even before I could reconsider my choice. But it suits him - caught somewhere between azure and cobalt, somewhat translucent with a sparkle that seems to be a permanent part of his scales -like glitter. It might be sometime before our bond strengthens but here I am at my second reawakening in a single lifetime.
I never got to call PD by any specific name, nor did I ever feel the need or desire too. And I never asked what he had been called before. Just that we fell smoothly into our roles of the 'wise old guardian' and the 'charge'. We found each other at my first awakening or rather, I found him whereas he was waiting with memories intact. I should be sad to see him go but I am not. My heart is heavier with the thought that maybe I should feel something more than just a detached acceptance. But he knows it too. I am not them anymore. I think at times he searched too hard for them in me just as I search for my memories. I haven’t found them yet probably to give myself time to make new ones. He never told me about them and I never thought to ask.
And now he is leaving, going to be a part of everything and nothing. There was another me, to whom he was connected for centuries through lifetimes- my other self's PAN. Only he knows how much I have changed through them to not be the same anymore. I am not worried about not seeing him again. I know I will, just as I know it will be when I can touch those memories again and realize they are just that - Memories. He said I wouldn’t be there to see him go. I can still go back and see him off but I don't think he would want me to. It is now just me and PAN. He is a youngling. I was told he would be the raw power to my intent and the skill to my choice. We would have to train and grow together. Quite the charmer he is. And so this Beltaine, I will toast to new beginnings.
It had been a long time, not that the time mattered but my inability to see things through definitely did. I was a little ashamed at my lack of commitment and he was perhaps a bit disappointed. He had been waiting for me to seek him out so that he could let me know and in that instant, I did. I understood. He was leaving, not fading. The powers weren’t getting dimmer and the spirit was just as strong. But the link between us was fading and it will vanish when he chooses. It almost has. He waited just long enough to bring me to Pan. The name was picked at random and was accepted and recognized even before I could reconsider my choice. But it suits him - caught somewhere between azure and cobalt, somewhat translucent with a sparkle that seems to be a permanent part of his scales -like glitter. It might be sometime before our bond strengthens but here I am at my second reawakening in a single lifetime.
I never got to call PD by any specific name, nor did I ever feel the need or desire too. And I never asked what he had been called before. Just that we fell smoothly into our roles of the 'wise old guardian' and the 'charge'. We found each other at my first awakening or rather, I found him whereas he was waiting with memories intact. I should be sad to see him go but I am not. My heart is heavier with the thought that maybe I should feel something more than just a detached acceptance. But he knows it too. I am not them anymore. I think at times he searched too hard for them in me just as I search for my memories. I haven’t found them yet probably to give myself time to make new ones. He never told me about them and I never thought to ask.
And now he is leaving, going to be a part of everything and nothing. There was another me, to whom he was connected for centuries through lifetimes- my other self's PAN. Only he knows how much I have changed through them to not be the same anymore. I am not worried about not seeing him again. I know I will, just as I know it will be when I can touch those memories again and realize they are just that - Memories. He said I wouldn’t be there to see him go. I can still go back and see him off but I don't think he would want me to. It is now just me and PAN. He is a youngling. I was told he would be the raw power to my intent and the skill to my choice. We would have to train and grow together. Quite the charmer he is. And so this Beltaine, I will toast to new beginnings.
