Another upheaval of beliefs and perceptions has the wheel in motion again. I don't know what I believe in at the moment but I know this phase will pass as my mind will invariably try to connect the dots and introduce patterns to keep functioning. This place where I am right now, is actually quite nice but a little overwhelming. This place of semi-blissful blankness where I am hanging upside down in space and the sound of blood rushing to my head and the rhythmic thump of my pulse accentuates the roaring silence and numbs all my senses. But there is the tiny ever present itch in an undefined place that I cannot reach and scratch. So I just concentrate on breathing in and out and just being.
It is a nice place to be when I am in it and I might never want to wake up if it weren’t for the phantom itch. But at other times I am probably like a child who just wants to run around and play and scream and rebel against nap time till my body gives up and I doze off from sheer exhaustion. Like the child, I want to continue with the role playing and don't want the curtains to come down.
 We hold our emotions, opinions, beliefs and relationships close for we define ourselves through them and in sleep we are a part of the undefined. I could look at the undefined as something that is always there but my mind only comes up with images of fading colors and it scares me. The thought of immortality scares me.  To live for all eternity through the changing world and truly experiencing the transient nature of all things, to be the dispassionate, detached and vague echo of life when you fall into the dreamless sleep with eyes wide open seems more like a curse. I don’t even know if I am talking about eternal life or eternal sleep anymore. To me they sound the same.
The concept of many lives and reincarnation feels like comfort food in comparison. Forgetting a lifetime and starting all over on a new adventure or replaying an old one without memories of having done it before but with just enough déjà vu to maintain the mystery of something more to be realized once again, to be caught up in the dragon’s unflagging appetite for its own self seems so much more alive and exhilarating. The angst pulls at my insides and takes me to the edge but I resist the leap because the view from up here is infinitely better. Why does the gaping void seem so peaceful yet so repulsive? And even in this state of suspension where I like the numbness, I still push myself to define my doubts and questions because the itch won’t vanish and allow me to sleep.